Friday, 2 April 2010
LETTER FROM MOTHER
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom. Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom. Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Saturday, 6 March 2010
TEACHER AND STUDENTS
Thinking fast, by kids in grade school
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
---
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
---
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
---
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
---
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
---
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
---
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to! the ground than you are.
---
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
---
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? "
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
---
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
---
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
---
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
---
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
---
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
---
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
---
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
---
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
---
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
---
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
---
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to! the ground than you are.
---
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
---
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? "
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
---
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
---
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
---
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
---
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
---
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
TOP 20 WOMENS TEE-SHIRT SLOGANS
01. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
02. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
03. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
04. I hate everybody, and you're next.
05. Please don't make me kill you.
06. And your point is...
07. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
08. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
09. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
10. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
11. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
12. I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
13. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
14. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
15. All stressed out and no one to choke.
16. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
17. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
18. Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.
19. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
20. Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
02. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
03. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
04. I hate everybody, and you're next.
05. Please don't make me kill you.
06. And your point is...
07. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
08. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
09. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
10. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
11. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
12. I'm multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
13. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
14. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
15. All stressed out and no one to choke.
16. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
17. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
18. Sorry if I look interested. I'm not.
19. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
20. Don't make me mad! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
50 REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY
01. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
02. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
03. You know stuff about tanks.
04. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
05. Monday Night Football.
06. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
07. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
08. You can open all your own jars.
09. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
10. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
11. All your orgasms are real.
12. You understand why Stripes is funny.
13. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
14. Your last name stays put.
15. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
16. You can kill your own food.
17. The garage is all yours.
18. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
19. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
20. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
21. You never have to clean a toilet.
22. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
23. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
24. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
25. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
26. You don't have to shave below your neck.
27. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
28. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
29. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
30. You can write your name in the snow.
31. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
32. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
33. Chocolate is just another snack.
34. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
35. Flowers fix everything.
36. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
37. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
38. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
39. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
40. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
41. Foreplay is optional.
42. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
43. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
44. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
45. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
46. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
47. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
48. One mood, all the time
49. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
50. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
02. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
03. You know stuff about tanks.
04. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
05. Monday Night Football.
06. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
07. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
08. You can open all your own jars.
09. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
10. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
11. All your orgasms are real.
12. You understand why Stripes is funny.
13. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
14. Your last name stays put.
15. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
16. You can kill your own food.
17. The garage is all yours.
18. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
19. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
20. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
21. You never have to clean a toilet.
22. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
23. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
24. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
25. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
26. You don't have to shave below your neck.
27. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
28. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
29. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
30. You can write your name in the snow.
31. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
32. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
33. Chocolate is just another snack.
34. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
35. Flowers fix everything.
36. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
37. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
38. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
39. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
40. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
41. Foreplay is optional.
42. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
43. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
44. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
45. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
46. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
47. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
48. One mood, all the time
49. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
50. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)